The vast majority of Swiss folk are pleasant, helpful, content and generally wonderful in a tra la la kind of way. Perhaps it is the abundance of private-numbered bank accounts, the world famous spectacular vistas, the predominance of pork n' cheese, something prionic in the air, the active involvement of the Red Cross ( as evidenced on flags everywhere), the overwhelming japanese signage, or shrinking glaciers, but it leaves no doubt that there is something fundamentally different about the Swiss as compared to the average human.
As an octegenarian bicycles by me at speeds rivaling that of the Pelleton on the downhill, I am surprised at the the familiar "Greuzi!" call of greeting she humorously wafts in my direction, as she seems to have breath to spare, something I would not. I am somewhat annoyed by their sportliness, as no matter how hard I try, my adiposity just keeps increasing. I don't mean to gripe, but it is in the comparison that I always fail to measure up, and this eventually gets Jaba down. I have increased my physical output a thousand-fold these last five weeks, but still the average Swiss child can bench press more than I.
We recently observed a pregnant Swiss 98 pounder throw a rock twenty feet, and the rock must have weighed as much as a VW. This was during a competition staged as part of a folk festival that took place way up on a mountain pass. The air was so thin I worried about foetal oxygenation status, but the mother's performance indicated a thriving state of health. Helicopters have a hard time finding enough air to push through the blades at this altitude, but the Swiss are unaffected.
I thus must search for some reason behind this ostensible difference. What makes them superior? It can't just be a question of placement ie. higher on the earth's crust. One of the reasons might be genetics. Given the relative physical boundaries the Alps provide, perhaps a certain amount of selective breeding over the centuries has favoured the trait of altitude thrivation, as has been observed in himalayan sherpa chest excursion measurements, or andean goat herders' hematocrit levels. My most ridiculous fear of interspecies breeding seems to be absurd as there are no tails or pelts to be seen.
Could it be the cheese, which is consumed in vast quantites? There is cheese in everything eaten, I kid you not. Look at the ingredients on anything purchased as a comestible item, and somewhere cheese is to be found. It's used in soap powders, marmot-based massage oils, gasoline, rocking chairs, air fresheners, and even beer. Cheese is sprayed on fields as a fertilizer. Cheese is used as paper. Cheese is eaten even more than pork. Switzerland could be the moon, which they say......(is made of cheese fer all ye fuzzy furryners).
If it's not the cheese, then what? I suspect I might never know, but I will eat more cheese in the vague hope that I too might become more Swiss over time. I will however, never be able to throw the rock that far, or even lift it. And I am not pregnant no matter how it looks or what the strip indicated.
So for now, it's cheese rather than pork for me. Cheese tartare followed by cheese soup, a small piece of amuse cheese, followed by filet of cheese medium rare, then the queen of desserts' cheese brulee, followed by a plate of cheese, all washed down with a cheese smoothie. I will walk over the mountain passes, as opposed to crawl, sometime during this trip, I promise you.
