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Strange Things in the Alps (for Dummies)
by Urs Ruefli, Alpine Alien Agency, Lausanne
Today I interviewed Prof. Dr. Bruno Kirchgraber, an expert on stochastic and probability theory. I gave him all the known facts about Porkie and asked for his explanations. He put all the information into his computer network and ran a number of simulations and what-if-analysis scenarios. Here is the interview.
AAA: Prof. Dr. Kirchgraber, you have studied all the data about Porkie. Where is he, who is he, and what is his intention?
PDK: Let me answer your questions one by one. There are now 100s of people looking out for Porkie. But he seems to behave like a quantum particle. Either his location or his time are always hidden.
AAA: I'm sure you are right, but what do you mean by that?
PDK: Well, when someone can tell about his location, then he is already gone, when the location gets checked. It seems he is moving incredibly fast. If someone knows when he is, then he cannot specify the location. This is the typical behaviour of a quantum particle.
AAA: Right, I guess. Do you want to suggest that he is not human?
PDK: That is already the 2nd question. I cannot exclude that he is human, but if he is human, than of a completely inhuman kind. You have to remember that he must have walked through the mountains now for more than 40 days. That is no typical human behaviour.
AAA: Agreed. But what is his intention?
PDK: This is the most difficult question to answer. What motivates Porkie besides pork? Why is he taking all this pain and effort on him? To understand this, we have to look at the group as a whole.
AAA: Right, I guess you refer to this red guy and the other person that walks in between, right? What is your take on them?
PDK: The red guy is obviously their fearless leader. It is reported that he never looks back. I believe he is the one with the mission. So, I focused more on him in my simulations. And I found out surprising things.
AAA: Like what?
PDK: One of our simulations told us that this group constantly followed the route with the most terrible weather in a 300 km radius. That sounds interesting, but there is much more behind it. It is extremely difficult to predict the weather in the mountains even for short period of time. Our best computers can do this only for about 3 hours. It would take all the computers in the world, to make such accurate predictions.
AAA: What does that mean? What could a person with such capabilities do? Is he dangerous?
PDK: Well, he could predict anything. He could make a fortune with the stock market. He would know what people are thinking. He would know whether Porkie walks behind him or not. That's why he never has to turn around.
AAA: Amazing. But why would he seek the most terrible weather? Sounds like an inhuman idea, doesn't it?
PDK: There are various options. He might energize himself from lightning. He might want to make sure that all their trails are washed away. Or, for whatever strange reason, he might want to punish his followers.
AAA: Could he be a kind of vampire?
PDK: Not in the classical sense. This is all a mystery. We have still too little data about his strange group. But I will start my own explorations now…
