---
Strange Things in the Alps
by Urs Ruefli, Alpine Alien Agency, Lausanne
I met again with Prof. Dr. Bruno Kirchgraber, the expert on stochastic and probability theory.
You might remember his earlier interview. Since then, Prof. Dr. Kirchgraber has spent a lot of time with additional research.
AAA: Prof. Dr. Kirchgraber, it has been almost three weeks since out last interview. What new insights can you report about?
PDK: Well, there is so much wrong information in the media about this group There are more reports about their appearances than for Elvis. But there is a strong indication that they left Bavaria a long time ago and have now moved deeply into France.
AAA: Are they still in the Alps?
PDK: That is my assumption. There is a consistent pattern in their travel path. They always move up and down. For some unclear reason, they seem to like to take difficult routes, even if shorter and easier ones would be available to them.
AAA: Do you have an explanation for that? Do they try to hide?
PDK: If they would look for protection they could also take other paths. There must be some other motivation.
AAA: Is it related to pork, as all media assume?
PDK: This pork thing is hugely overvalued. As a matter of fact, it seems the group didn't eat any pork for many days. The main ingredient of their nutrition seems to have changed towards cheese, which is no surprise as they seem to be in France now.
AAA: Are you saying that Porkie abandoned pork?
PDK: The name Porkie and all these stories were initially made up by the tabloid press, like Bildzeitung. Both the name and the stories are misleading The person referred to as Porkie is an unusually tall and strong individual. But he is not 8 feet tall, as some reports suggest. He is quite strong, and certainly has a quite low fat percentage. Otherwise, he could never move so quickly through all these mountains. And all these stories about pigs and pork were extremely exaggerated.
AAA: These are surprising news. So what is the name of this giant if it is not Porkie?
PDK: Hard to say. French press starts to refer to him as Monsieur Le Fromage. But that is a simplistic attempt to promote their cheese industry. From a purely statistical perspective, it is most likely that his first name is Mohammed and his last name Chang. But statistics is not always so helpful.
AAA: Do you have any new information regarding their destination?
PDK: Obviously, they entered the Alps in Bavaria. From there, they crossed the whole of Switzerland and then entered France. Since then, they walked constantly towards South. It seems they want to get to the sea. From there, their next plans are not clear. They might turn towards Italy, towards Spain, or even get on a ship.
AAA: Prof. Dr. Kirchgraber, what would you do in their place?
PDK: I don't think that my preference is a good indication. Whenever I have to go from Bavaria to France, I take a plane. Obviously, this group has a different taste. You can not predict their behaviour by asking ordinary people like me.
AAA: Whom could we ask?
PDK: I don't know. Maybe the Dalai Lama? Maybe Paris Hilton? Maybe Ötzi the Iceman?
AAA: I'll think about it.
