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Strange Things in the Alps – Porkie, the new hero
by Urs Ruefli, Alpine Alien Agency, Lausanne
During the past week, Porkie has become the center of the global media attention. There are now dozens of helicopters over the Alps that look out for the group. While initially the public opinion considered Porkie as dangerous pork killer, he is now usually seen as a victim of the red guy. Let me summarize some noteworthy publications.
The Union of Meatworkers suggests that Porkie should be treated like one of their members. They claim that the red guy is violating various rights of Porkie. Meatworkers must not work longer than 6 hours without a break. They are entitled to 2 rest days per week. Their work place has to be dry and clean. Overall, they list 12 worker rights of Porkie that are constantly violated by the red guy. As a result, they plan a big strike of the Meatworkers across Germany.
The Catholic Church states that Porkie is not just a giant, but also a human like all of us. Nobody knows what he did to receive all that torture, but, like anyone of us he deserves a chance for rest and peace. The Church organizes special events where people around the world can gather and pray for Porkie.
George Bush announced that he would send rescue teams to Porkie. He stated that the Alps are now on the axis of evil. Would they be in Texas, he would tear them down and pave them like a huge parking lot. But since he was told that they are in the middle of the plots of Angela, this Australian guy, and the chocolate country of which the name he can never remember, he feels that a more subtle approach is required. He asked Arnold to head the rescue team. Arnold told him that he knows the Alps better than anyone else. He is now putting together his team, consisting of 600 armed actors, led by Sylvester Stallone, Tom Cruise, and Charles Bronson.
Amnesty International teamed up with Greenpeace and also sent out their combined troops. Included are 16 helicopters that throw down encouraging letters in 34 different languages, as well as pork packages in 34 different wrappings. They applaud Porkie for not eating whale flesh and for being outside so much, but without consuming any natural resources besides pork. They also provided some statistics that show that pork is the one natural resource that can be renewed without any problem. Thus they also demand that nuclear power plants have to be converted into pig farms. Porkie has become their figure head for this global campaign.
